“We don’t talk anymore”. Sometime in a marriage one is bound to hear this phrase. You’ll be surprised that even the most seemingly “talkative” people feel like the talk that they have with their spouses is not enough. They are definitely not referring to the quantity of talk, but the quality.
I have a new client – young, and very rich and successful. They had invited me to stay at their 5-star resort. When business was done, I got to talking with my client’s wife over dinner. She and her husband, aside from being partners in life, were also partners in business. They worked together as a team and spent most of their day in each other’s company as was dictated by the business. As our topic moved into marriage, she started to give a litany that was all too familiar. And, to no surprise, her outpouring ended with the statement that, “my husband and I don’t talk anymore!” Despite being together
and talking to each other all day, they had not achieved the intimacy that one craves with their spouse.
With the faster pace of life today, younger couples are beginning to experience the lack of intimate communicat
ion earlier on in their relationships. Young couples who have come to me for counseling already feel the emptiness of their “talk” with their spouses as it usually covers only the practical, everyday events and
decisions such as work, children and the household.
I definitely know what these couples are going through only too well.
When Cora and I experienced the weekend seminar for married couples in 1977, we were seven year married with three children. At that point in our married life, there were basically two things missing from our relationship: meaningful communication and intimacy. Cora would
complain many times that “We don’t talk anymore”. She seemed so unsatisfied with how we were communicating. I, on the other hand, was discontented with the intimacy (sex!). As the children came along, opportunities for both love making and quality time became less and less.
At that time, we were both working so the only time we could talk or make decisions was at the dinner table. Of course, the rest of the family was likewise there so it was definitely not a time for intimate talk. When we would get to our room, Cora would usually sleep early and I would be on my computer or watching TV.
When Cora would complain about us not talking, I would be puzzled. I did not understand what more we needed to talk about. We talked a lot about the kids, household problems, financial concerns, work and social life. In my book, all bases seemed to be covered. My idea of intimacy was confined to sex. I believed that was the best way to achieve the closeness that spouses look for in a relationship Thus, I assumed that Cora’s complaints were just borne out of her habit of complaining, nothing more.
During our weekend seminar for married couples, I learned that when Cora felt that we were not talking, what she really meant was that we were not talking about US. We were not growing in our relationship by getting to know each other more. She wanted me to know what was going through her emotionally, what she was feeling; and she wanted to know and be
part of what was going through me emotionally, what I was feeling.
At first, it was quite difficult for me. I am an introvert, and as such keep my feelings and thoughts very well guarded. I was also the type who wanted to keep the peace, so that I would avoid topics or discussions that I knew would get her angry or disappointed. I was also sometimes discouraged when I would share a worry or concern then she would immediately try to solve it right there and then even when I was not prepared for or even agreeable to the solution. With all this going on in my head, you can just imagine the things I kept to myself.
In reflecting on how I became “taong bato” (stone statue), as Cora used to call me, I had to look as far back as my childhood. Growing up, the only emotions I ever witnessed was either happiness or anger. Any other emotions that my parents may have had were hidden behind these two. In our home, the best way to be happy (which was equated with peace), was to avoid arguments. And the only way to do that was to avoid words and actions that triggered it. Suffice it to say, the atmosphere at home was maintained by a
delicate balance between harmony and chaos. Hence my attitude towards communication and intimacy.
Going back to our weekend seminar, that was probably the first time my eyes were opened to the importance of feelings and sharing them with the people I was in relationship with, especially Cora and our children.
There was no chance for me to learn about feelings at home, in school or at work. So when we were introduced the world of feelings to me, I was a willing and captivated student. This fascination remained throughout the course of our married life. The insight and tools we gained from our efforts to learn more about feelings helped make our marriage more enjoyable and meaningful. It also helped us make better decisions in raising our children, decisions which eventually made us closer as they were growing up.
We often hear parents complain that they do not know what is going on with their kids. I believe most children are not confortable telling their parents how they feel is because they are afraid to. Just like me, many children have only experienced anger, all other feelings are alien to them as they have not had the chance to witness it, much less talk about it. How can they share a feeling which they have not even heard from their own parents? When I realized this, I tried something out with my kids – before asking them how they feel, I would first share with them how I feel. After a couple of attempts, I started to notice the change in them.
In our 39 years of marriage, Cora and I kept discovering something new about each other whenever we talked about our feelings. I believe that there is no end to the beautiful things that we could discover about each other because we never stop changing.
Through most of our married life, we developed a habit called the daily dialogue – this meant setting aside 20 minutes in a day to write and share our feelings about various things such as our fears and dreams, or even topics on sex, religion, parents, etc. Through the daily dialogue, we were challenged everyday to know and appreciate the beauty in each other. I consider this the greatest gift of our relationship -- a gift which has been immortalized in the many journals we used to record our daily “conversations”. These journals have already filled several suitcases!
Indeed, we were so lucky to have experienced this in our relationship. Thanks to Cora’s persistence and our involvement with Marriage Encounter, we experienced the intimacy of sharing our feelings, an intimacy which kept our relationship alive till her death.
