We Complete Each Other

I heard two clichés about marriage which sounded very nice, but I had difficulty accepting them in the early years of our married life. One was “We complement each other,” and the other was “We complete each other.” The difficulty came with the reality that Cora and I are so different in almost every conceivable way -- the way we behave, in the way we make decisions, our likes and dislikes, our qualities, even in our politics. There were many times when I wished she and I would be more alike. I was certain that it would be less stressful for me if she would do things the way I did them.

Early in our marriage, as the children were growing up, our differences caused a strain in our relationship. Our dissimilarities were usually the reason for most of our hurtful experiences. Conflict arose because I often judged that my way of thinking and doing things were always the best way, if not the only way. Cora’s qualities -- her attention to detail; her constant sense of urgency in doing things; her extreme generosity; her tendency to act on gut feeling; her propensity to react quickly; her need to be busy; and pessimism –I judged as negative qualities because they were opposite my way of doing things. I am the type of person who is more interested in the bottom line; I don’t need to rush things, in most situations I need time to think; I am very careful with money; I need to know all the facts before making a decision; I enjoy resting and keeping still; and I am an optimist.

It was only after many, many years, I slowly realized that my judgment of Cora’s qualities as negative was the reason behind us not being able to complement each other. Only when I see and accept the good in her qualities are we able to complement each other. I think that through the years, we have mellowed and have not tried so hard to change each other as much as we used to. I have also come to the point of seeing that I could learn a lot from Cora, especially since she has many of the qualities which I lack.

I truly believe that married couples can complement and complete each other. However, key to this is working to see that the other’s qualities, especially those which contradict our own, are just as good as ours. Being married for 37 years I have realized that Cora can never be like me, and I don’t think I can ever change her no matter how hard I try. Trying to change her will only create more stressful experiences in our marriage rather than joyful.

Cora often says that in marriage, we should not be sculptors who chisel away at a stone to create a figure - instead we should be gardeners who bring out the life and beauty intrinsic in the seed without changing it. God created Cora and he gave her to me. She is good and beautiful just as she is, I don’t need to change her. Instead I should try to make her bloom as a gardener would.