Facing Death

Last week a friend dropped by the office and asked for loan because he needed money to pay for the hospital bills incurred by his sick mother. She had been in the ICU for over a week and had been undergoing dialysis. She had severe case of diabetes and her kidney was in bad shape. The doctors told the family that there isn’t much more that they could do for her. My friend mentioned that he was the youngest child. He was also unmarried and was very close to his mother. He said that he somehow felt responsible for her. He also told me that some of his brothers and sisters were feeling bad seeing their mother suffer and that they sometimes could not spend a long time with her. He said he also was experiencing difficulties seeing his mom suffer and at times would rather not be with her in the room. I asked him if he had talked to his mother about passing on and if he had prepared her for death emotionally and spiritually. He said none from the family could do it because they could not stand seeing her in pain, thinking that their mom would feel worse if she was told about the futility of her condition.

I then told my friend that not being able to tell his mother the truth about her transition to the next world was not helping. I told him that he was depriving his mother of a peaceful death which she deserves. Giving one the time and opportunity to prepare all his/her affairs and helping someone to be at peace with his/her relationship with God as he/she is about to pass to the next life is a precious and selfless gift. I told him that he could help his mother now and ease her transition to the next world. I told him to ask her if she needed to talk to any relative or family to make peace. I also told him to ask her if there were material things she wanted to divide, to ask her if she needed a priest and if she was at peace with God. Also, I told him to reassure his mother by saying that the rest of the family will be alright so she should not worry. With these remaining days I also reminded him to tell his mother how much he loves her and how grateful he was to have her as his mother.
I told him many of us don’t want to look at our loved ones in pain and we try to ignore them because of the sympathy we feel for that ailing person. Sometimes our empathy translates to our own pain and so we try to avoid it. When we refuse to acknowledge or pay attention to another person’s suffering , we stop helping them.
I further shared with him that my father was sick for almost a year in and out of the hospital and many times he was in pain. I had difficulty being in the room with him because I pitied him so much. Sometimes when I could hear him complaining I would go outside the room. I justified this by saying that the special nurses could take better care of him. I would visit him in the hospital but I would want to leave right away because seeing him in a weakened state made me sad. At times when he was suffering so much I would even silently pray for God to take him already- to stop his suffering – to stop my suffering.
When my father died I was not beside him. I was at the office. The experience left me with regret.

Years later, when my mother was dying and she was in the hospital I made sure that I was able to spend more time with her. I sensed that she wanted her children to be close to her during those times. I am sure she knew that she was dying and must have been scared. Knowing this, I made a schedule for all of us brothers and sisters to be with her at all times even though we could afford to provide her with special nurses. The special nurses could not give her the security of our presence. Although at times I had difficulty seeing her suffer , this time, I made it a point to stay in the room holding her hand. I gathered up the strength and courage not to let my own pain prevent me from helping her. I asked if there were people she wanted to talk to, I wanted to help her with her affairs and to make peace with everything in her life during her last days. On her darkest hour, I stood beside her bed holding her hand and praying with her until she breathed her last breath. It was difficult seeing her suffer and even more painful to see her die but I believe that by being with her and holding her hand, I was able to give her some assurance that she was not alone till the end.

When my father died I felt some regret. Regret on not having been able to help ease his death for him. I was not able to express my love for him just as he was about to begin his journey to heaven.
When my mother died I was at peace. She felt my love just as she was about to enter the gates of heaven. I would like to believe that in some way I must have helped ease that journey.
A few days later my friend texted me and this is what he said “ We returned Inay to the ICU . I am struggling to do what you advised me to do. At least she is now mentioning what she wants. She said she wanted to speak to the grandchildren. This may be my chance to continue what you advised. Thanks a lot”
Cora was a big influence to me when it comes to facing death. One thing that I admire about her is her involvement with a healing community whose mission is to try to help sick and dying people to be cured physically or to prepare them spiritually or emotionally for an eventual death. More than this, she has bravely stood by relatives and close friends during their hour of death -preparing them, comforting them, holding their hand , praying with them until the end. Not only that, she is also a pillar of strength for the loved ones that are left behind, aiding them as they cope with the loss. She is able to help them even though she empathizes with their pain, even if these situations remind her of painful memories of her own mother and sister’s passing, even if her own grief and sadness may be overwhelming.

I asked her why she does it and she told me she was inspired by fr. Boyet Concpcion whose mission was to have a place for the dying. Fr. Boyet told her that dying itself is not painful. The pain lies in dying alone.
Cora’s friend Pinky Valdes once told her that when a person is passing on to the next life and you are holding that person’s hand at the moment she finally transcends - that is the exact moment when you touch eternity. I am sure Cora has touched eternity many times…as should we.