Dealing with anger

Last Thursday we had a meeting with 10 couples that have been married from 7 years to 40 years. The topic we discussed was anger within a relationship. One would think that after 37 years of marriage, Cora and I would have very little anger left in our relationship as compared to the younger couples. But what appeared during our discussion was that anger seemed to be present to all couples - no matter how long they have been married. I asked each one to answer the question “ Should angry behavior be released immediately or should it be kept for a while so that it will not be manifested in shouting, blaming or criticizing”?
I was not surprised when 16 out of 20 people shared that anger should be released because if not, they said, it will build up and keeping the emotion within would be stressful. They even said that keeping the anger inside would cause heart attack or high blood pressure.
Only 4 including myself said that we should try hard not to vent it out immediately to avoid harming the other person and to be able to process what is going on first.
I know that holding back anger for many people is very difficult because of the type of persons that they are or because of their upbringing. But at the same time, it should not be the justification for inflicting harm on another person.
Early Freudian studies indicated that releasing anger was healthy because according to them, anger was like steam building up and if contained will only build up some more and eventually blow up. I think this is fine for the person who is experiencing angry feelings but how about the person who is on the receiving end? What about his or her health?
Some of us, instinctively, seem to be interested only in ourselves and this Freudian theory is the justification to do so. I know that the saddest times Cora and I have had are during the times we have manifested angry behavior to each other causing us to hurt each other deeply. We would feel very sad and lonely when this would happen. Many times after we reconcile, we look back and regret our behavior.
On the contrary, later studies by Carol Tavris (1982) indicate that holding on to anger is a better way to deal with the emotion because angry behavior, more often than not- cause more anger. Every negative aspect of the person is easily recalled and brought into the angry behavior. Anger begets anger. It creates emotional wounds on the partner which leaves a scar. Besides, many times the person who gets angry and shows it, regrets the actions afterwards.
In the US, statistics show that 52% of divorces are granted on the grounds of either physical or emotional cruelty. This could be an indication that too much angry behavior in a relationship can cause a loss of intimacy. Realizing that manifesting angry behavior toward a spouse or a child will eventually leave a wound and a scar and in most cases do not solve conflicts , can be a motivation in learning how to control angry behavior.
I don’t think it is easy, I don’t think it can be done immediately, I don’t even know whether one can do it but I think it is worth a try if intimacy is what we want in our relationship.
There are many books and articles on this topic that we can learn from. I don’t think there is a perfect formula for handling anger What we need is awareness of the effect of anger on us, on other people and on our relationships especially to married couples and their children. If there is a lot of anger manifested in a relationship it needs to be addressed and every effort should be done to minimize this.
Very often we hear the statement “ It is alright to feel anger but we do not have the right to be cruel.” This is still very true.
I would appreciate hearing comments from people who read this blog regarding their experiences in handling anger. You can do this by clicking “post comments” written at the end of this article. Once you click on this, a menu will appear that will give you instructions on how to comment. I’m looking forward to hearing your thoughts about this.