Touching People's Lives

For the past two years our daughter Bim has been involved with a temporary shelter for girls and young women who are in crisis – those coping with trauma of sexual abuse, maltreatment, sexual exploitation, unwanted pregnancy and or conflict with the law. Marilac Hills, as the shelter is called has been around since 1915. Our daughter goes there once or twice a month to do creative fun activities with them (painting, baking, sports and crafts) She arranges for volunteer instructors and food during her visits. She normally asks donations from family and friends to cover the cost of materials and food for the day.
Every summer and Christmas season Bim arranges an outing for a group of Marilac girls with their supervisors. Last summer she arranged for such an outing, and asked us for donations to cover the expenses, so we gladly gave her money. To support our daughter in her apostolate we joined them at the outing. During the outing we were just observing what was going on and made sure that everything went well that day. What struck me on that day was the way Bim was spending her time with them. She was talking to some of them, playing with them, and was really involved with them throughout the day. I could see how the young girls were enjoying every moment of it, and so was our daughter. One could tell that they truly were building a bond. I was certain that in her simple way, Bim was making a difference in their lives -- they were experiencing some of the love which they really needed. I was so proud of my daughter!

















Last Saturday, Bim was again with them to celebrate her birthday. After lunch the girls had prepared a program for her, which included an impromptu tribute which brought her to tears. One of the girls who was soon leaving the shelter to go back home to Bacolod shared how much Bim had touched her life. She said she would always remember her for loving and caring for them, and how she enjoyed being with her.
I spent some money in contributing to the expenses for that day, but I don’t think these children will remember me or say the same things about me. I don’t think I have made a difference in their lives. Bim, however, has made a lot of difference in these people’s lives not because she spent money for them but because she cared enough to “spend” herself with them. I think helping people financially is great but being able to “spend” oneself with the people we are helping and trying to understand them leaves a more lasting impression in their lives, and in ours.

We Complete Each Other

I heard two clichés about marriage which sounded very nice, but I had difficulty accepting them in the early years of our married life. One was “We complement each other,” and the other was “We complete each other.” The difficulty came with the reality that Cora and I are so different in almost every conceivable way -- the way we behave, in the way we make decisions, our likes and dislikes, our qualities, even in our politics. There were many times when I wished she and I would be more alike. I was certain that it would be less stressful for me if she would do things the way I did them.

Early in our marriage, as the children were growing up, our differences caused a strain in our relationship. Our dissimilarities were usually the reason for most of our hurtful experiences. Conflict arose because I often judged that my way of thinking and doing things were always the best way, if not the only way. Cora’s qualities -- her attention to detail; her constant sense of urgency in doing things; her extreme generosity; her tendency to act on gut feeling; her propensity to react quickly; her need to be busy; and pessimism –I judged as negative qualities because they were opposite my way of doing things. I am the type of person who is more interested in the bottom line; I don’t need to rush things, in most situations I need time to think; I am very careful with money; I need to know all the facts before making a decision; I enjoy resting and keeping still; and I am an optimist.

It was only after many, many years, I slowly realized that my judgment of Cora’s qualities as negative was the reason behind us not being able to complement each other. Only when I see and accept the good in her qualities are we able to complement each other. I think that through the years, we have mellowed and have not tried so hard to change each other as much as we used to. I have also come to the point of seeing that I could learn a lot from Cora, especially since she has many of the qualities which I lack.

I truly believe that married couples can complement and complete each other. However, key to this is working to see that the other’s qualities, especially those which contradict our own, are just as good as ours. Being married for 37 years I have realized that Cora can never be like me, and I don’t think I can ever change her no matter how hard I try. Trying to change her will only create more stressful experiences in our marriage rather than joyful.

Cora often says that in marriage, we should not be sculptors who chisel away at a stone to create a figure - instead we should be gardeners who bring out the life and beauty intrinsic in the seed without changing it. God created Cora and he gave her to me. She is good and beautiful just as she is, I don’t need to change her. Instead I should try to make her bloom as a gardener would.

having fun

Our youngest daughter Boo spent the whole day with her boyfriend. They watched a movie, they had dinner in a restaurant and before she went home they stopped over at Starbucks for coffee. The following day our daughter had to spend the whole day at work while her boyfriend accompanied her until evening. Even after having spent so much time together, when I’m in the car with them, I notice that they don’t stop talking throughout the whole trip. I said to myself, these two must be having a lot of fun with each other. Both of them seem to be fun people.
I remember when I was still courting Cora during our early married days, I too was a fun person. We used to have a lot of fun. We were both beach people so we would go to the beach very often and the best part was always the sand castles we would build and the pictures we would take after. We also had dinners at our favorite Italian restaurant where we would always sit at our favorite corner table and we would order the same thing every time. We would spend evenings dancing at night clubs and play gin rummy games or play pool until the wee hours in the morning. On our first year of marriage we would stay in bed the whole morning on Saturdays and while in each others arms, we would talk the whole time. I guess one of the main reasons we got married was we were having a lot of fun with each other. Cora was a fun person to be with and I guess so was I.
Unfortunately after a few years, when the children came and as I slowly moved up the corporate ladder -having fun slowly diminished from our lives. The children and my career came first over having fun. As a matter a fact, the few times we would have fun now would usually include our children or friends. More often than not, fun for me was either golf or drinking with office mates and old buddies. I started to forget how to have fun with Cora . Because of different conflicts in our marriage I also became very formal and careful with her when discussing topics –especially the sensitive ones.
Now when I look back at those years, I regret having become too serious and having left out fun from our lives. We could have included having fun with each other more often. After all it was having fun that brought us together and encouraged us to get married. But now that I am getting older I think there is still time to bring back the fun we had but to do this I need to at myself first and ask the question “ Am I a fun person to be with or am I too serious? Do I even know how to hang loose?” The other thing I must do is to make an effort and be creative so cora and I can schedule fun activities. This is difficult for me because the few times we had fun, it was always Cora who made plans. I like to schedule my weekly activities and write down my appointments but I rarely put down any schedule for us to have fun. This I must correct. As someone said “ It never is too late or too old to have Fun” .

Dealing with anger

Last Thursday we had a meeting with 10 couples that have been married from 7 years to 40 years. The topic we discussed was anger within a relationship. One would think that after 37 years of marriage, Cora and I would have very little anger left in our relationship as compared to the younger couples. But what appeared during our discussion was that anger seemed to be present to all couples - no matter how long they have been married. I asked each one to answer the question “ Should angry behavior be released immediately or should it be kept for a while so that it will not be manifested in shouting, blaming or criticizing”?
I was not surprised when 16 out of 20 people shared that anger should be released because if not, they said, it will build up and keeping the emotion within would be stressful. They even said that keeping the anger inside would cause heart attack or high blood pressure.
Only 4 including myself said that we should try hard not to vent it out immediately to avoid harming the other person and to be able to process what is going on first.
I know that holding back anger for many people is very difficult because of the type of persons that they are or because of their upbringing. But at the same time, it should not be the justification for inflicting harm on another person.
Early Freudian studies indicated that releasing anger was healthy because according to them, anger was like steam building up and if contained will only build up some more and eventually blow up. I think this is fine for the person who is experiencing angry feelings but how about the person who is on the receiving end? What about his or her health?
Some of us, instinctively, seem to be interested only in ourselves and this Freudian theory is the justification to do so. I know that the saddest times Cora and I have had are during the times we have manifested angry behavior to each other causing us to hurt each other deeply. We would feel very sad and lonely when this would happen. Many times after we reconcile, we look back and regret our behavior.
On the contrary, later studies by Carol Tavris (1982) indicate that holding on to anger is a better way to deal with the emotion because angry behavior, more often than not- cause more anger. Every negative aspect of the person is easily recalled and brought into the angry behavior. Anger begets anger. It creates emotional wounds on the partner which leaves a scar. Besides, many times the person who gets angry and shows it, regrets the actions afterwards.
In the US, statistics show that 52% of divorces are granted on the grounds of either physical or emotional cruelty. This could be an indication that too much angry behavior in a relationship can cause a loss of intimacy. Realizing that manifesting angry behavior toward a spouse or a child will eventually leave a wound and a scar and in most cases do not solve conflicts , can be a motivation in learning how to control angry behavior.
I don’t think it is easy, I don’t think it can be done immediately, I don’t even know whether one can do it but I think it is worth a try if intimacy is what we want in our relationship.
There are many books and articles on this topic that we can learn from. I don’t think there is a perfect formula for handling anger What we need is awareness of the effect of anger on us, on other people and on our relationships especially to married couples and their children. If there is a lot of anger manifested in a relationship it needs to be addressed and every effort should be done to minimize this.
Very often we hear the statement “ It is alright to feel anger but we do not have the right to be cruel.” This is still very true.
I would appreciate hearing comments from people who read this blog regarding their experiences in handling anger. You can do this by clicking “post comments” written at the end of this article. Once you click on this, a menu will appear that will give you instructions on how to comment. I’m looking forward to hearing your thoughts about this.

Making Memories

Tonight our son brought our 2 month old granddaughter, Micah home and she was in a good mood. I started talking and playing with her- trying to see if she was capable of responding- and she did. She was laughing! It was adorable. I think this was the first time she could really see and react. It was truly a joyous experience. These days, I really look forward to seeing her.
While playing with her, I was reminded of our own four children when they were growing up. We used to have a lot of fun going to the beach teaching them to swim, watching them walk for the first time, and many other firsts along the way. Cora would make sure that every first was caught on video, which is why we have tons of footage of them growing up.
Of course we also had some difficult times, particularly when they were sick. It was also a challenge deciding the kind of discipline needed during their adolescent days. Looking back now, I think I had much much more happy and enjoyable experiences with them than difficult ones.
Oftentimes, I expect my children to be grateful to me for all the love and sacrifice I did for them. But I realized I should also spend time thanking them for giving me so much joy and teaching me how to love as they were growing up.
As I shared in my previous article, now that I am getting older, one of the things that give me great joy is having our children and their spouses around me talking and joking and laughing. In order for me to have many opportunities for this, I invite the whole family to Montemar Beach Club 5 to 6 times a year.
For me this is the best beach resort in the world. The reason I say this is not because the sand is better than Boracay. The facilities are definitely not as good as Shangrila of Cebu.

The main reason that I believe this is the best beach is because for many years now, it has been home to many treasured memories. Montemar is a cove, so there isn’t a lot of beach for us to cover. We are thus forced to stick together and spend most of our time with each other. The geography has given us so much opportunity to enjoy and bond. I am very thankful to our children for giving us these happy moments.
At my age, I am not too concerned about the material things I will leave for our children. Instead, I am more concerned about spending our wealth to create opportunities for my children to enjoy me and for me to enjoy them. The material things I will be leaving for them when I die can easily be lost, but the great memories of how much I loved them and enjoyed them will forever stay with them.

Facing Death

Last week a friend dropped by the office and asked for loan because he needed money to pay for the hospital bills incurred by his sick mother. She had been in the ICU for over a week and had been undergoing dialysis. She had severe case of diabetes and her kidney was in bad shape. The doctors told the family that there isn’t much more that they could do for her. My friend mentioned that he was the youngest child. He was also unmarried and was very close to his mother. He said that he somehow felt responsible for her. He also told me that some of his brothers and sisters were feeling bad seeing their mother suffer and that they sometimes could not spend a long time with her. He said he also was experiencing difficulties seeing his mom suffer and at times would rather not be with her in the room. I asked him if he had talked to his mother about passing on and if he had prepared her for death emotionally and spiritually. He said none from the family could do it because they could not stand seeing her in pain, thinking that their mom would feel worse if she was told about the futility of her condition.

I then told my friend that not being able to tell his mother the truth about her transition to the next world was not helping. I told him that he was depriving his mother of a peaceful death which she deserves. Giving one the time and opportunity to prepare all his/her affairs and helping someone to be at peace with his/her relationship with God as he/she is about to pass to the next life is a precious and selfless gift. I told him that he could help his mother now and ease her transition to the next world. I told him to ask her if she needed to talk to any relative or family to make peace. I also told him to ask her if there were material things she wanted to divide, to ask her if she needed a priest and if she was at peace with God. Also, I told him to reassure his mother by saying that the rest of the family will be alright so she should not worry. With these remaining days I also reminded him to tell his mother how much he loves her and how grateful he was to have her as his mother.
I told him many of us don’t want to look at our loved ones in pain and we try to ignore them because of the sympathy we feel for that ailing person. Sometimes our empathy translates to our own pain and so we try to avoid it. When we refuse to acknowledge or pay attention to another person’s suffering , we stop helping them.
I further shared with him that my father was sick for almost a year in and out of the hospital and many times he was in pain. I had difficulty being in the room with him because I pitied him so much. Sometimes when I could hear him complaining I would go outside the room. I justified this by saying that the special nurses could take better care of him. I would visit him in the hospital but I would want to leave right away because seeing him in a weakened state made me sad. At times when he was suffering so much I would even silently pray for God to take him already- to stop his suffering – to stop my suffering.
When my father died I was not beside him. I was at the office. The experience left me with regret.

Years later, when my mother was dying and she was in the hospital I made sure that I was able to spend more time with her. I sensed that she wanted her children to be close to her during those times. I am sure she knew that she was dying and must have been scared. Knowing this, I made a schedule for all of us brothers and sisters to be with her at all times even though we could afford to provide her with special nurses. The special nurses could not give her the security of our presence. Although at times I had difficulty seeing her suffer , this time, I made it a point to stay in the room holding her hand. I gathered up the strength and courage not to let my own pain prevent me from helping her. I asked if there were people she wanted to talk to, I wanted to help her with her affairs and to make peace with everything in her life during her last days. On her darkest hour, I stood beside her bed holding her hand and praying with her until she breathed her last breath. It was difficult seeing her suffer and even more painful to see her die but I believe that by being with her and holding her hand, I was able to give her some assurance that she was not alone till the end.

When my father died I felt some regret. Regret on not having been able to help ease his death for him. I was not able to express my love for him just as he was about to begin his journey to heaven.
When my mother died I was at peace. She felt my love just as she was about to enter the gates of heaven. I would like to believe that in some way I must have helped ease that journey.
A few days later my friend texted me and this is what he said “ We returned Inay to the ICU . I am struggling to do what you advised me to do. At least she is now mentioning what she wants. She said she wanted to speak to the grandchildren. This may be my chance to continue what you advised. Thanks a lot”
Cora was a big influence to me when it comes to facing death. One thing that I admire about her is her involvement with a healing community whose mission is to try to help sick and dying people to be cured physically or to prepare them spiritually or emotionally for an eventual death. More than this, she has bravely stood by relatives and close friends during their hour of death -preparing them, comforting them, holding their hand , praying with them until the end. Not only that, she is also a pillar of strength for the loved ones that are left behind, aiding them as they cope with the loss. She is able to help them even though she empathizes with their pain, even if these situations remind her of painful memories of her own mother and sister’s passing, even if her own grief and sadness may be overwhelming.

I asked her why she does it and she told me she was inspired by fr. Boyet Concpcion whose mission was to have a place for the dying. Fr. Boyet told her that dying itself is not painful. The pain lies in dying alone.
Cora’s friend Pinky Valdes once told her that when a person is passing on to the next life and you are holding that person’s hand at the moment she finally transcends - that is the exact moment when you touch eternity. I am sure Cora has touched eternity many times…as should we.

birthday affirmations

Last decemember it was the birthday of our son Dondon.Traditionally we would celebrate birthdays by eating dinner in a quiet restaurant or Cora would prepare a great meal at home and have the immediate family share the meal. This was the usual thing we did until one day about 5 years ago Cora suggested that after dinner each one of us say something good about the celebrant. Since then we have included this in our birthday tradition.
Last december we had our four children, three of them married, my youngest daughter's boyfriend and our 7 year old granddaughter all sitting in a round table. We had our dinner at our small backyard. After dinner we shared affirmations about Dondon. It was great listening to all the good things about the celebrant and I am sure he enjoyed hearing it himself. During the sharing our 7 year old grand daughter Tala, whispered to her mommy that her birthday was last October and if we could also go around and say good things about her. Her mother told us what she said and we all went around again sharing good things about the little girl. She was so happy listening to all of us.This reminded me that even children at seven years old want to hear affirmations just like the rest of us. Many times it is much easier to point out the mistakes of our children because we want to correct them. So often, we forget to affirm them as well.
I look forward to the special dinner on my birthday because of these kind words by the family and i'm sure my wife and my children also look forward to their special birthdays . I know I was hungry for affirmation as a child and even now I still love to be affirmed. This tradtion we started has made all of us aware of the importance of affirmation in a family.

pay attention

One night my daughter was watching TV in our family room and I joined her. She was watching a series entitled Joan of Arcadia. It was about a teen age girl seeing God in the form of different people. “God” was telling her to do different things to help people or to make a point about life. In one of the conversations between God and Joan in the show, Joan asked God “ How do I know how to help?” and God answered her “ Pay attention to details and behaviors and listen. Do not interrupt. Most people do not know how to ask for help.”
That statement reminded me of an incident that happened to me. Being a self sufficient person all my life I very rarely ask for help or for favors. I would rather do things for myself. I remember during our early years of marriage there was a time when we were having financial difficulties and we needed a substantial amount of money to tide us over and it seemed that the only alternative was to borrow money from a rich friend. I remember the difficult time I had in taking that action. I rehearsed over and over again what I wanted to say and I was imagining the embarrassment that I thought I was about to go through. I was also wondering how I would feel if they refused to help us. I remember the day we were going to visit them to ask for help. I could not sleep the night before. I had butterflies in my stomach the whole day due to tension and when I was talking to them all the hair in my body were
standing up. It was a very difficult experience and I can remember it up to this day. I guess that is how many people feel when they ask for help and why sometimes we would rather not ask. Many times we also need help when we are going through emotional difficulties and I think asking for help in that situation is also very difficult. Unless we are attentive to details we will miss the opportunity to help people.
I am not very observant with details or maybe I am the type that does not want to be involved with people unless directly asked on the other hand Cora is very observant and is willing to take risks in asking people how she could help many times even before they even ask. In one of our sharing group sessions with married couples Cora noticed one couple who seemed troubled. Cora immediately noticed this and she told me to ask the couple to stay behind so we can talk to them. They stayed behind and when we asked if there was anything wrong they started to share about their difficulties with their eldest daughter. During our conversation we were able to listen to them and even made some suggestions. I am sure that somehow we were able to help them even a little bit. Thanks to Cora being attentive to details we were able to extend our help to a friend. There are many people close to us that may need help. Help does not necessarily mean just material things. We must always be conscious that we have the ability to extend a helping hand if we are only observant.

Being Connected

Last night we celebrated mass at home in commemoration of my late mother-in-law’s birthday. A few relatives and my children attended the mass. They stayed a while after dinner and when it was time to go home my second son said goodbye and then embraced and said with a smile “miss you na dad.” Then a while later my youngest daughter embraced me and said “had a rough day at the office today, need a hug.” Then when my eldest daughter was leaving she gave me a kiss and said “Good night dad.” These three actions of my children meant a lot to me. It gave me the assurance of being connected to them and I would like to think that they too felt a connection. The hug, the kiss, all physical touches said to me a lot more then the words they said.
Now it seems very easy and natural for our family to show our love through physical touch but it was very hard for me in the beginning. I had two things going against me in the beginning. First my parents were not demonstrative at all and the only time I can remember being touched was when my mother would touch my forehead to see if I had fever. I am sure they embraced and kissed me when we were small and cute but I guess at some point they stopped. That is why I cannot remember now. The other thing going against me was somehow in my adolescent and early adult life I must have been trained by things I read or saw in the movies that touching consequently ends in sexual intercourse and that is why it should not be done in public. So as the children were growing up and becoming less cute I stopped touching them. Slowly the only touch that occurred was when I arrived from office I would bend and my children would kiss me on the cheeks. Then one day Cora told me our children are growing up… why don’t I try to embrace and hug them more. So the next day when I got home from work instead of just bending I picked up my 4 year old daughter and embraced her. She was at first surprised and uncomfortable… and so was I.
After that I continued doing it to all of them although at times I was not too comfortable with it. As they were growing up Cora and I attended the Worldwide Marriage Encounter which encouraged us to hug and to use physical touch as a sign of love and be more demonstrative with each other. It also encouraged us to be more demonstrative with our children. So this practice of hugging and kissing continued during the adolescent and adult life of our children. I think now that they are all adults and married we are all comfortable and appreciate the hugs and kisses we give to each other. We don’t care if at times others will say we are too mushy. We feel close and connected when we do this. Of course we were also prudent especially when they were teenagers. We tried to refrain from being too mushy in front of their peers. Being connected physically is great for a family and I don’t think it is ever too late to start. The rewards are great especially as we parents grow older.

Conflicting needs

My wife and I are so different in character and behaviour. She is fast I am slow. She is yesterday I am tomorrow. She is loud I am quiet. She is an extrovert I am an introvert. She has to be busy all the time I want quiet and rest all the time. She wants details I want bottom lines. Because of these very often we have different and opposing needs. These opposing needs often brings conflict to our relationship. The problem with opposing needs is who's needs are more important and who should give up their needs for the other. The one who is more aggresive and can put fear or guilt on the other normally gets their needs met while the other one who continually gives in feels deprived although it seems the conflict is resolved and there is peace.This giving in for the other may seem to work but there is no intimacy in the relationship because one is deprived and forced to give in to the others needs.Finding a solution to this problem is a life long journey but in order to make this journey more pleasant and at times bring intimacy in our relationship we both need to be aware that having needs is natural and we both have it. But I think that the more important thing to be aware of is that Cora's needs are as important as my own needs.Because of this when conflict arrise we must be able to make an effort to discuss this differences in our needs with the other person 's need in mind so that we can come up with a win-win solution.This is difficult because we instinctively are more concerned with our own needs and ours seem to always be the right one. So again being aware that our spouse needs or even our childrens needs are as important as our own needs can help in resolving conflicts.

Sunday dinners with the kids

We just finished our regular Sunday dinner and we had a lot of fun joking with each other and exchanging our views on various topics and laughing a lot. When we finished and all had left the table I remenbered how our Sunday dinners were like when the kids were in their teens and we could only get them all together on Sunday. For Cora my wife this was the time to tell them what they were doing wrong and needed to be corrected. It was also a time to remind them about a long list of rules. We sometimes even had a checklist prepared so that we did not miss out on anything.Sunday dinner then was a tense moment where there were at times high voices, some angry reactions, and even sometimes crying and at the end long silence while eating.This time was like a sergent telling their men " Now hear this". What was even worse was after all the kids were in their room Cora and I would get into arguments because I did not support her in some instances or I was not strong enough at other times. I noticed also that our children were starting to dread Sunday dinners.

This went on for sometime until one day I told Cora that we should make our Sunday dinners happy and pleasant occasions. I asked her if it was possible to avoid making this time as a reprimand and correction time. Could we not instead plan positive and enjoyable things rather then negative ones where we could listen to our children rather then talking to them? I told her there is always time before or after dinner to correct whatever is needed to correct individually. We don't need to embarrass them in front of their siblings.

Cora agreed to try this out and it was difficult to avoid correction and reprimand every sunday since this was the only time they were all at the table. But we tried and slowly we were succesfull. Our dinners slowly became happy occassions where we did some sharings on what good things were happening to us during the week. We slowly tried to listen instead of doing all the talking. I realized after some time that this was working because they sometimes invited their boyfriends or girfriends to Sunday dinners and joined us in our sharings. This meant they were relaxed and were enjoying it. since then Sunday dinners were occassions I really look forward to and I think even now our children looks forward to it to. As a matter of fact Cora and I now treasure these Sunday dinners because we know our children look forward to this occassion as much as we do and I am sure they will probably try this out with their own families.

Family traditions

We just finshed our yearly family tradition of having a hamburger cookout at our Antipolo vacation house on Black Saturday of the lenghten season. All our 3 married children and one single daughter attended and we had a lot of fun. This has been going on for the past six years and I am very happy that it is one of the tradions that helps keep the family close with each other. I remenber when the kids were still young Cora my Wife made it a point to have enjoyable family traditions. What I have experienced is that all these traditions that have been enjoyable are the ones our children will probably continue when their own families grow.Besides when one gets older like me having the family around talking and joking with each other is one of the joys that is difficult to buy.

Beginning a blog

I don't know how this works but my daughter forced me because she thinks some of my thoughts are worth sharing and she put this all together because she's a wonderful daughter. today i had a good time sharing our thoughts with the whole family and we had great fun. I watched the secret today and i thought about something from the man of la mancha -- there he said most men see the world as it is, i see the world as how it should be. I thought that was similar to what they were saying. i guess cervantes also knew the secret.