We Don't Talk Anymore

“We don’t talk anymore”. Sometime in a marriage one is bound to hear this phrase. You’ll be surprised that even the most seemingly “talkative” people feel like the talk that they have with their spouses is not enough. They are definitely not referring to the quantity of talk, but the quality.

I have a new client – young, and very rich and successful. They had invited me to stay at their 5-star resort. When business was done, I got to talking with my client’s wife over dinner. She and her husband, aside from being partners in life, were also partners in business. They worked together as a team and spent most of their day in each other’s company as was dictated by the business. As our topic moved into marriage, she started to give a litany that was all too familiar. And, to no surprise, her outpouring ended with the statement that, “my husband and I don’t talk anymore!” Despite being together

and talking to each other all day, they had not achieved the intimacy that one craves with their spouse.

With the faster pace of life today, younger couples are beginning to experience the lack of intimate communicat

ion earlier on in their relationships. Young couples who have come to me for counseling already feel the emptiness of their “talk” with their spouses as it usually covers only the practical, everyday events and

decisions such as work, children and the household.

I definitely know what these couples are going through only too well.

When Cora and I experienced the weekend seminar for married couples in 1977, we were seven year married with three children. At that point in our married life, there were basically two things missing from our relationship: meaningful communication and intimacy. Cora would

complain many times that “We don’t talk anymore”. She seemed so unsatisfied with how we were communicating. I, on the other hand, was discontented with the intimacy (sex!). As the children came along, opportunities for both love making and quality time became less and less.

At that time, we were both working so the only time we could talk or make decisions was at the dinner table. Of course, the rest of the family was likewise there so it was definitely not a time for intimate talk. When we would get to our room, Cora would usually sleep early and I would be on my computer or watching TV.

When Cora would complain about us not talking, I would be puzzled. I did not understand what more we needed to talk about. We talked a lot about the kids, household problems, financial concerns, work and social life. In my book, all bases seemed to be covered. My idea of intimacy was confined to sex. I believed that was the best way to achieve the closeness that spouses look for in a relationship Thus, I assumed that Cora’s complaints were just borne out of her habit of complaining, nothing more.

During our weekend seminar for married couples, I learned that when Cora felt that we were not talking, what she really meant was that we were not talking about US. We were not growing in our relationship by getting to know each other more. She wanted me to know what was going through her emotionally, what she was feeling; and she wanted to know and be

part of what was going through me emotionally, what I was feeling.

At first, it was quite difficult for me. I am an introvert, and as such keep my feelings and thoughts very well guarded. I was also the type who wanted to keep the peace, so that I would avoid topics or discussions that I knew would get her angry or disappointed. I was also sometimes discouraged when I would share a worry or concern then she would immediately try to solve it right there and then even when I was not prepared for or even agreeable to the solution. With all this going on in my head, you can just imagine the things I kept to myself.

In reflecting on how I became “taong bato” (stone statue), as Cora used to call me, I had to look as far back as my childhood. Growing up, the only emotions I ever witnessed was either happiness or anger. Any other emotions that my parents may have had were hidden behind these two. In our home, the best way to be happy (which was equated with peace), was to avoid arguments. And the only way to do that was to avoid words and actions that triggered it. Suffice it to say, the atmosphere at home was maintained by a

delicate balance between harmony and chaos. Hence my attitude towards communication and intimacy.

Going back to our weekend seminar, that was probably the first time my eyes were opened to the importance of feelings and sharing them with the people I was in relationship with, especially Cora and our children.

There was no chance for me to learn about feelings at home, in school or at work. So when we were introduced the world of feelings to me, I was a willing and captivated student. This fascination remained throughout the course of our married life. The insight and tools we gained from our efforts to learn more about feelings helped make our marriage more enjoyable and meaningful. It also helped us make better decisions in raising our children, decisions which eventually made us closer as they were growing up.

We often hear parents complain that they do not know what is going on with their kids. I believe most children are not confortable telling their parents how they feel is because they are afraid to. Just like me, many children have only experienced anger, all other feelings are alien to them as they have not had the chance to witness it, much less talk about it. How can they share a feeling which they have not even heard from their own parents? When I realized this, I tried something out with my kids – before asking them how they feel, I would first share with them how I feel. After a couple of attempts, I started to notice the change in them.

In our 39 years of marriage, Cora and I kept discovering something new about each other whenever we talked about our feelings. I believe that there is no end to the beautiful things that we could discover about each other because we never stop changing.

Through most of our married life, we developed a habit called the daily dialogue – this meant setting aside 20 minutes in a day to write and share our feelings about various things such as our fears and dreams, or even topics on sex, religion, parents, etc. Through the daily dialogue, we were challenged everyday to know and appreciate the beauty in each other. I consider this the greatest gift of our relationship -- a gift which has been immortalized in the many journals we used to record our daily “conversations”. These journals have already filled several suitcases!

Indeed, we were so lucky to have experienced this in our relationship. Thanks to Cora’s persistence and our involvement with Marriage Encounter, we experienced the intimacy of sharing our feelings, an intimacy which kept our relationship alive till her death.

Touching People's Lives

For the past two years our daughter Bim has been involved with a temporary shelter for girls and young women who are in crisis – those coping with trauma of sexual abuse, maltreatment, sexual exploitation, unwanted pregnancy and or conflict with the law. Marilac Hills, as the shelter is called has been around since 1915. Our daughter goes there once or twice a month to do creative fun activities with them (painting, baking, sports and crafts) She arranges for volunteer instructors and food during her visits. She normally asks donations from family and friends to cover the cost of materials and food for the day.
Every summer and Christmas season Bim arranges an outing for a group of Marilac girls with their supervisors. Last summer she arranged for such an outing, and asked us for donations to cover the expenses, so we gladly gave her money. To support our daughter in her apostolate we joined them at the outing. During the outing we were just observing what was going on and made sure that everything went well that day. What struck me on that day was the way Bim was spending her time with them. She was talking to some of them, playing with them, and was really involved with them throughout the day. I could see how the young girls were enjoying every moment of it, and so was our daughter. One could tell that they truly were building a bond. I was certain that in her simple way, Bim was making a difference in their lives -- they were experiencing some of the love which they really needed. I was so proud of my daughter!

















Last Saturday, Bim was again with them to celebrate her birthday. After lunch the girls had prepared a program for her, which included an impromptu tribute which brought her to tears. One of the girls who was soon leaving the shelter to go back home to Bacolod shared how much Bim had touched her life. She said she would always remember her for loving and caring for them, and how she enjoyed being with her.
I spent some money in contributing to the expenses for that day, but I don’t think these children will remember me or say the same things about me. I don’t think I have made a difference in their lives. Bim, however, has made a lot of difference in these people’s lives not because she spent money for them but because she cared enough to “spend” herself with them. I think helping people financially is great but being able to “spend” oneself with the people we are helping and trying to understand them leaves a more lasting impression in their lives, and in ours.

We Complete Each Other

I heard two clichés about marriage which sounded very nice, but I had difficulty accepting them in the early years of our married life. One was “We complement each other,” and the other was “We complete each other.” The difficulty came with the reality that Cora and I are so different in almost every conceivable way -- the way we behave, in the way we make decisions, our likes and dislikes, our qualities, even in our politics. There were many times when I wished she and I would be more alike. I was certain that it would be less stressful for me if she would do things the way I did them.

Early in our marriage, as the children were growing up, our differences caused a strain in our relationship. Our dissimilarities were usually the reason for most of our hurtful experiences. Conflict arose because I often judged that my way of thinking and doing things were always the best way, if not the only way. Cora’s qualities -- her attention to detail; her constant sense of urgency in doing things; her extreme generosity; her tendency to act on gut feeling; her propensity to react quickly; her need to be busy; and pessimism –I judged as negative qualities because they were opposite my way of doing things. I am the type of person who is more interested in the bottom line; I don’t need to rush things, in most situations I need time to think; I am very careful with money; I need to know all the facts before making a decision; I enjoy resting and keeping still; and I am an optimist.

It was only after many, many years, I slowly realized that my judgment of Cora’s qualities as negative was the reason behind us not being able to complement each other. Only when I see and accept the good in her qualities are we able to complement each other. I think that through the years, we have mellowed and have not tried so hard to change each other as much as we used to. I have also come to the point of seeing that I could learn a lot from Cora, especially since she has many of the qualities which I lack.

I truly believe that married couples can complement and complete each other. However, key to this is working to see that the other’s qualities, especially those which contradict our own, are just as good as ours. Being married for 37 years I have realized that Cora can never be like me, and I don’t think I can ever change her no matter how hard I try. Trying to change her will only create more stressful experiences in our marriage rather than joyful.

Cora often says that in marriage, we should not be sculptors who chisel away at a stone to create a figure - instead we should be gardeners who bring out the life and beauty intrinsic in the seed without changing it. God created Cora and he gave her to me. She is good and beautiful just as she is, I don’t need to change her. Instead I should try to make her bloom as a gardener would.

having fun

Our youngest daughter Boo spent the whole day with her boyfriend. They watched a movie, they had dinner in a restaurant and before she went home they stopped over at Starbucks for coffee. The following day our daughter had to spend the whole day at work while her boyfriend accompanied her until evening. Even after having spent so much time together, when I’m in the car with them, I notice that they don’t stop talking throughout the whole trip. I said to myself, these two must be having a lot of fun with each other. Both of them seem to be fun people.
I remember when I was still courting Cora during our early married days, I too was a fun person. We used to have a lot of fun. We were both beach people so we would go to the beach very often and the best part was always the sand castles we would build and the pictures we would take after. We also had dinners at our favorite Italian restaurant where we would always sit at our favorite corner table and we would order the same thing every time. We would spend evenings dancing at night clubs and play gin rummy games or play pool until the wee hours in the morning. On our first year of marriage we would stay in bed the whole morning on Saturdays and while in each others arms, we would talk the whole time. I guess one of the main reasons we got married was we were having a lot of fun with each other. Cora was a fun person to be with and I guess so was I.
Unfortunately after a few years, when the children came and as I slowly moved up the corporate ladder -having fun slowly diminished from our lives. The children and my career came first over having fun. As a matter a fact, the few times we would have fun now would usually include our children or friends. More often than not, fun for me was either golf or drinking with office mates and old buddies. I started to forget how to have fun with Cora . Because of different conflicts in our marriage I also became very formal and careful with her when discussing topics –especially the sensitive ones.
Now when I look back at those years, I regret having become too serious and having left out fun from our lives. We could have included having fun with each other more often. After all it was having fun that brought us together and encouraged us to get married. But now that I am getting older I think there is still time to bring back the fun we had but to do this I need to at myself first and ask the question “ Am I a fun person to be with or am I too serious? Do I even know how to hang loose?” The other thing I must do is to make an effort and be creative so cora and I can schedule fun activities. This is difficult for me because the few times we had fun, it was always Cora who made plans. I like to schedule my weekly activities and write down my appointments but I rarely put down any schedule for us to have fun. This I must correct. As someone said “ It never is too late or too old to have Fun” .

Dealing with anger

Last Thursday we had a meeting with 10 couples that have been married from 7 years to 40 years. The topic we discussed was anger within a relationship. One would think that after 37 years of marriage, Cora and I would have very little anger left in our relationship as compared to the younger couples. But what appeared during our discussion was that anger seemed to be present to all couples - no matter how long they have been married. I asked each one to answer the question “ Should angry behavior be released immediately or should it be kept for a while so that it will not be manifested in shouting, blaming or criticizing”?
I was not surprised when 16 out of 20 people shared that anger should be released because if not, they said, it will build up and keeping the emotion within would be stressful. They even said that keeping the anger inside would cause heart attack or high blood pressure.
Only 4 including myself said that we should try hard not to vent it out immediately to avoid harming the other person and to be able to process what is going on first.
I know that holding back anger for many people is very difficult because of the type of persons that they are or because of their upbringing. But at the same time, it should not be the justification for inflicting harm on another person.
Early Freudian studies indicated that releasing anger was healthy because according to them, anger was like steam building up and if contained will only build up some more and eventually blow up. I think this is fine for the person who is experiencing angry feelings but how about the person who is on the receiving end? What about his or her health?
Some of us, instinctively, seem to be interested only in ourselves and this Freudian theory is the justification to do so. I know that the saddest times Cora and I have had are during the times we have manifested angry behavior to each other causing us to hurt each other deeply. We would feel very sad and lonely when this would happen. Many times after we reconcile, we look back and regret our behavior.
On the contrary, later studies by Carol Tavris (1982) indicate that holding on to anger is a better way to deal with the emotion because angry behavior, more often than not- cause more anger. Every negative aspect of the person is easily recalled and brought into the angry behavior. Anger begets anger. It creates emotional wounds on the partner which leaves a scar. Besides, many times the person who gets angry and shows it, regrets the actions afterwards.
In the US, statistics show that 52% of divorces are granted on the grounds of either physical or emotional cruelty. This could be an indication that too much angry behavior in a relationship can cause a loss of intimacy. Realizing that manifesting angry behavior toward a spouse or a child will eventually leave a wound and a scar and in most cases do not solve conflicts , can be a motivation in learning how to control angry behavior.
I don’t think it is easy, I don’t think it can be done immediately, I don’t even know whether one can do it but I think it is worth a try if intimacy is what we want in our relationship.
There are many books and articles on this topic that we can learn from. I don’t think there is a perfect formula for handling anger What we need is awareness of the effect of anger on us, on other people and on our relationships especially to married couples and their children. If there is a lot of anger manifested in a relationship it needs to be addressed and every effort should be done to minimize this.
Very often we hear the statement “ It is alright to feel anger but we do not have the right to be cruel.” This is still very true.
I would appreciate hearing comments from people who read this blog regarding their experiences in handling anger. You can do this by clicking “post comments” written at the end of this article. Once you click on this, a menu will appear that will give you instructions on how to comment. I’m looking forward to hearing your thoughts about this.

Making Memories

Tonight our son brought our 2 month old granddaughter, Micah home and she was in a good mood. I started talking and playing with her- trying to see if she was capable of responding- and she did. She was laughing! It was adorable. I think this was the first time she could really see and react. It was truly a joyous experience. These days, I really look forward to seeing her.
While playing with her, I was reminded of our own four children when they were growing up. We used to have a lot of fun going to the beach teaching them to swim, watching them walk for the first time, and many other firsts along the way. Cora would make sure that every first was caught on video, which is why we have tons of footage of them growing up.
Of course we also had some difficult times, particularly when they were sick. It was also a challenge deciding the kind of discipline needed during their adolescent days. Looking back now, I think I had much much more happy and enjoyable experiences with them than difficult ones.
Oftentimes, I expect my children to be grateful to me for all the love and sacrifice I did for them. But I realized I should also spend time thanking them for giving me so much joy and teaching me how to love as they were growing up.
As I shared in my previous article, now that I am getting older, one of the things that give me great joy is having our children and their spouses around me talking and joking and laughing. In order for me to have many opportunities for this, I invite the whole family to Montemar Beach Club 5 to 6 times a year.
For me this is the best beach resort in the world. The reason I say this is not because the sand is better than Boracay. The facilities are definitely not as good as Shangrila of Cebu.

The main reason that I believe this is the best beach is because for many years now, it has been home to many treasured memories. Montemar is a cove, so there isn’t a lot of beach for us to cover. We are thus forced to stick together and spend most of our time with each other. The geography has given us so much opportunity to enjoy and bond. I am very thankful to our children for giving us these happy moments.
At my age, I am not too concerned about the material things I will leave for our children. Instead, I am more concerned about spending our wealth to create opportunities for my children to enjoy me and for me to enjoy them. The material things I will be leaving for them when I die can easily be lost, but the great memories of how much I loved them and enjoyed them will forever stay with them.

Facing Death

Last week a friend dropped by the office and asked for loan because he needed money to pay for the hospital bills incurred by his sick mother. She had been in the ICU for over a week and had been undergoing dialysis. She had severe case of diabetes and her kidney was in bad shape. The doctors told the family that there isn’t much more that they could do for her. My friend mentioned that he was the youngest child. He was also unmarried and was very close to his mother. He said that he somehow felt responsible for her. He also told me that some of his brothers and sisters were feeling bad seeing their mother suffer and that they sometimes could not spend a long time with her. He said he also was experiencing difficulties seeing his mom suffer and at times would rather not be with her in the room. I asked him if he had talked to his mother about passing on and if he had prepared her for death emotionally and spiritually. He said none from the family could do it because they could not stand seeing her in pain, thinking that their mom would feel worse if she was told about the futility of her condition.

I then told my friend that not being able to tell his mother the truth about her transition to the next world was not helping. I told him that he was depriving his mother of a peaceful death which she deserves. Giving one the time and opportunity to prepare all his/her affairs and helping someone to be at peace with his/her relationship with God as he/she is about to pass to the next life is a precious and selfless gift. I told him that he could help his mother now and ease her transition to the next world. I told him to ask her if she needed to talk to any relative or family to make peace. I also told him to ask her if there were material things she wanted to divide, to ask her if she needed a priest and if she was at peace with God. Also, I told him to reassure his mother by saying that the rest of the family will be alright so she should not worry. With these remaining days I also reminded him to tell his mother how much he loves her and how grateful he was to have her as his mother.
I told him many of us don’t want to look at our loved ones in pain and we try to ignore them because of the sympathy we feel for that ailing person. Sometimes our empathy translates to our own pain and so we try to avoid it. When we refuse to acknowledge or pay attention to another person’s suffering , we stop helping them.
I further shared with him that my father was sick for almost a year in and out of the hospital and many times he was in pain. I had difficulty being in the room with him because I pitied him so much. Sometimes when I could hear him complaining I would go outside the room. I justified this by saying that the special nurses could take better care of him. I would visit him in the hospital but I would want to leave right away because seeing him in a weakened state made me sad. At times when he was suffering so much I would even silently pray for God to take him already- to stop his suffering – to stop my suffering.
When my father died I was not beside him. I was at the office. The experience left me with regret.

Years later, when my mother was dying and she was in the hospital I made sure that I was able to spend more time with her. I sensed that she wanted her children to be close to her during those times. I am sure she knew that she was dying and must have been scared. Knowing this, I made a schedule for all of us brothers and sisters to be with her at all times even though we could afford to provide her with special nurses. The special nurses could not give her the security of our presence. Although at times I had difficulty seeing her suffer , this time, I made it a point to stay in the room holding her hand. I gathered up the strength and courage not to let my own pain prevent me from helping her. I asked if there were people she wanted to talk to, I wanted to help her with her affairs and to make peace with everything in her life during her last days. On her darkest hour, I stood beside her bed holding her hand and praying with her until she breathed her last breath. It was difficult seeing her suffer and even more painful to see her die but I believe that by being with her and holding her hand, I was able to give her some assurance that she was not alone till the end.

When my father died I felt some regret. Regret on not having been able to help ease his death for him. I was not able to express my love for him just as he was about to begin his journey to heaven.
When my mother died I was at peace. She felt my love just as she was about to enter the gates of heaven. I would like to believe that in some way I must have helped ease that journey.
A few days later my friend texted me and this is what he said “ We returned Inay to the ICU . I am struggling to do what you advised me to do. At least she is now mentioning what she wants. She said she wanted to speak to the grandchildren. This may be my chance to continue what you advised. Thanks a lot”
Cora was a big influence to me when it comes to facing death. One thing that I admire about her is her involvement with a healing community whose mission is to try to help sick and dying people to be cured physically or to prepare them spiritually or emotionally for an eventual death. More than this, she has bravely stood by relatives and close friends during their hour of death -preparing them, comforting them, holding their hand , praying with them until the end. Not only that, she is also a pillar of strength for the loved ones that are left behind, aiding them as they cope with the loss. She is able to help them even though she empathizes with their pain, even if these situations remind her of painful memories of her own mother and sister’s passing, even if her own grief and sadness may be overwhelming.

I asked her why she does it and she told me she was inspired by fr. Boyet Concpcion whose mission was to have a place for the dying. Fr. Boyet told her that dying itself is not painful. The pain lies in dying alone.
Cora’s friend Pinky Valdes once told her that when a person is passing on to the next life and you are holding that person’s hand at the moment she finally transcends - that is the exact moment when you touch eternity. I am sure Cora has touched eternity many times…as should we.